


If Not For You

by ChelseaMorningGirl



Category: American (US) Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Break Up, Smut, Tags Are Hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:27:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29341287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChelseaMorningGirl/pseuds/ChelseaMorningGirl
Summary: You and Timothée are broken up, after an unfortunate pile-up of events left you broken-hearted. Is there still enough love between the two of you to find your way back to each other, or is it a lost cause?
Relationships: Timothée Chalamet/Reader
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is something that has lived in my head since forever, so I decided to write it down. It will be a multi-chapter fic, and even though it starts out a bit dark and angsty, it will get lighter and happier! I hope you enjoy, let me know what you think! 
> 
> Of course I don’t own any of the people mentioned, but the story is mine!

Today had been a bad day. A terrible one, if you were being honest. You’d woken up sleep deprived, as was the standard these days it seemed. Dreams of him had been haunting your nights for months now. Sometimes they were good dreams, memories of him whispering sweet nothings in your ear, making love, stealing kisses. Other times they were dreams of things you always planned on doing, but in the end never did. Making that road trip cross country. Seeing the Northern Lights. Most of the time though, the dreams would end badly, just as your relationship had. You would wake up with wet cheeks and a tear-stained pillowcase, feeling rattled and more exhausted than the night before.

This morning hadn’t been any different, and the rest of the day hadn’t been any better either. You’d gone to work, only barely managing to finish an eight-hour shift at the bookstore. The customers had been either complete snobs, unwilling to take your advice or suggestions, or had been angry and petty for not finding the book they were looking for. It had left you with a pounding headache and so exhausted, you almost fell asleep during the subway ride home.

The second you walk into your apartment though, your phone rings. You light up when you see the caller ID. Maybe this day will turn around after all.

“Saoirse! Oh my god babe, how are you? I haven’t spoken to you in ages!”

“Hi love! I’m good! How are you? How have you been?”

“I’ve been good”, you lie, knowing very well that you’ve been anything but good these past ten or so months, but hoping Saoirse wouldn’t catch on. “Work has been a pain. I've been getting more hours at the bookstore, which is good I guess, but which is leaving me with little time for my own writing.”

“I know you’re not telling me everything, you still haven’t learnt how to properly lie to me, but I’ll drop it. Greta has been asking about you, you know. I’ve been talking you up the entire time we’ve been filming in Boston and I think I haven’t been the only one. Maybe you can pitch some of your work to her sometime?”

“You have? Saoirs.. Just.. Don’t make a big deal out of it okay? I’m fine with where I am at the moment.”

“Whatever you say love. Now actually, I’m calling for a reason. I know you know my birthday is coming up very soon, and I’m throwing a party at this dive in the Village. Before you object, I don't take no for an answer and remember that you love me very much and that you wouldn’t want to hurt me by missing my birthday. It’s this Saturday and I'd really love it if you're there. I don’t want any presents. I just want to celebrate with my dearest friends, and I can’t do that if you’re not there.”

You are silent for a couple of beats. You’ve known Saoirse ever since _Atonement_ , a movie where you, through sheer dumb luck, were able to get an internship. You and Saoirse were both young and relatively inexperienced and you bonded instantly. Ever since that film, you’d kept in touch and even became dear friends, who would call each other and tried to see each other as much as possible. You knew Saoirse made a big deal of her birthday, and you always made sure to attend if money and geography allowed it. But it was also at one of Saoirse’s birthday parties years ago that you’d met him.

* * *

_“Hi! I don’t think we’ve met”, Timothée reached out his hand to you, and you stared at it, a little dumbfounded. You had been eyeing him from across the room for the entire evening, and every once in a while you had caught him checking you out. Or had you just been imagining that?_

_After a beat and him clearing his throat, you awoke from your daze, grasped his hand carefully and introduced yourself._

_“Ah! It’s so nice to finally meet you! Saoirse always talks about you, and she has been very insistent that I had to meet you.”_

_“She does, huh? Well, as long as the things she says about me are good things, I’ll let it slide.”_

_“Trust me, she’s told me nothing but lovely things. So tell me, how did you guys meet?”_

_“She didn’t tell you?”_

_“Well, she did, but see, I’m trying to keep you engaged in conversation with me, because I don’t want to talk to the far less interesting people here at the party.”_

_“I’m flattered.”_

_“No! Wait! That’s not how I meant for that to come out. Shit, please, no, let me rephrase.”_

_“Go ahead”, you smirked._

* * *

“Babe? Where did you go just now? Please don’t tell me you’re thinking of ways to get out of my birthday?”

“Saoirs, I.. I don’t think I’m ready, to, you know.. It’s just..”, you sigh. “It’s too hard, and it’s too fresh.”

“It’s been almost a year babe. At some point you have to rejoin us in the world of the living. Have you spoken to him at all these past months?”

“Well, no. At first he left me voicemails and voice messages, trying to apologize and get me to talk to him. But I couldn’t.. I just can’t hear it, not yet at least, and maybe not ever. Besides, it seems like he has moved on. Very publicly, may I add.”

“Love.. I know what he did was wrong and incredibly stupid, and don’t get me started on those pictures in Mexico. But you can’t let that control your life forever. Besides, he might not even be there Saturday. He has been evasive ever since I asked him, and I suspect he will make up some dumb excuse as to why he can’t come. He hasn’t been doing well either, you know. But anyway, celebrating without Timmy I can handle. Without you on the other hand.. I really want you there.”

 _Timmy._ You found it sweet how Saoirse would always call him Timmy. You almost never called him that. But you knew Saoirse was right, and that you had to start living your life again. You’re unable to stop the tears from escaping your eyes and cascading down your cheeks though.

“You know he’ll be there. He wouldn’t ever miss your birthday.”

“I swear that on the off chance that Timmy’s there, I’ll keep him distracted and you occupied. Please, babe?”

“Well, alright. But only because I know how much this means to you.”

“Really? Oh thank you! That’s so great, I can’t wait! I’ll text you the details in a minute. Thanks babe, it will be great!”

You weren’t so sure. For some reason you had this feeling that you’d just made a big mistake.

“See you Saturday!”

“Yeah, see you then.”

You drop your phone on the coffee table and lay down on the couch, covering your face with your arms. How are you ever going to survive Saturday? You were silently hoping Timothée wouldn’t be there, but your gut feeling told you he would be. He may feel terrible as Saoirse said, but after seeing those pictures of what can only be described as him having sex in a pool in Mexico, you were sure he’d moved on, and couldn’t possibly feel worse than you. Besides, he wouldn’t bail on his friend’s birthday. That wasn’t him.

* * *

_"God, this is nice.” You and Timothée were standing outside on a balcony underneath dozens of strings of fairy lights. Timothée smiled at you with a sparkle in his eyes. That threw you off a little, making you feel all tingly._

_“I agree”, Tim sighed._

_“I’m a little drunk though.” That made Tim laugh out loud._

_“What?! I’m sorry, I don’t do shots that often and I didn’t have much to eat before the party, so basically, it’s your fault.”_

_“How is that my fault? You suggested doing tequila shots!”_

_“And you agreed. Never question my drunken logic.” You swayed a little on your feet, bumping your shoulder lightly against his._

_“Noted.” Tim looked down at you, brushing a lock of hair behind your ear. You closed your eyes at the feel of his fingers against your skin, leaving a burning sensation in their trail. The whole evening had been wonderful. You hadn’t left each other’s side after that first introduction and talked about everything and anything. The banter had come naturally and Tim had seemed genuinely interested in everything you said. In the back of your mind, a little voice was screaming at you, asking you what in the world you were thinking falling for an actor. But the tequila canceled it all out and made you brave. Besides, it was impossible to resist the way Tim was looking at you._

_“I had a really great time tonight.”_

_“Me too.” Tim smiled sweetly and moved his head closer to yours, darting his eyes from your lips to your eyes and back. You closed your eyes and shivered at the feel of his lips touching yours. It was soft at first, Tim slowly moving his lips against yours, tangling one of his hands in your hair while circling the other around your waist. He darted his tongue out and licked your bottom lip, making you gasp. He deepened the kiss and moans escaped the both of you. It was as if time stood still in that moment._

* * *

You slam your fist against the couch cushions, angry for letting yourself go down that slippery slope again. God, if a phone call from Saoirse brought back these intense memories, imagine what would happen at the actual party. Yes, you're sure. This is not going to end well.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You attend Saoirse's birthday party, and the inevitable happens.

“BABE! I’m so glad to see you!” You and Saoirse hug tightly and her happiness is infectious, bringing a smile to your face.

“Happy birthday!” You hand her a gift box and kiss her on the cheek.

“You didn’t have to do that! I told you I don’t want gifts!”

“Just open the package.” You smile as you watch Saoirse open the small box, revealing a delicate silver bracelet with a small daisy charm. As you expected, she recognizes it immediately. You’d bought it years ago in a little vintage shop, and Saoirse always made an appreciative remark when she saw you wear it. You hadn’t worn it in ages, but had found it a couple of months ago after cleaning your apartment, mostly to get rid of the things reminding you of Timothée. When Saoirse had called you last week to invite you to her birthday, you figured it would be the perfect occasion to gift it to her.

“But, this is yours!”

“And now it’s yours”, you smile, “I want you to have it.”

“Thank you so much. I love it!” Saoirse hugs you again. “Come! Let’s get you a drink!”

You and Saoirse walk over to the bar, each ordering a drink. After taking the first sip of your vodka, lime and soda, Saoirse lightly bumps your shoulder with hers.

“See? Isn’t it nice to be out of your apartment on a Saturday night?”

“Jeez, I’m not a hermit Saoirs.”

“Well, you’ve been acting like one lately. I’m just happy to see you. You look good.”

You'd put some extra thought into your look. You’d been annoyingly nervous for this evening, and wanted to look nice. So you’d put on some extra make-up to cover up the dark circles under your eyes, and put on one of your nicer dresses. You had to admit, it did feel good to be out again.

“I’m happy to be here as well. Thank you for convincing me.”

“Anytime love.” Saoirse spots some people coming in, and excuses herself to greet them. You lean back against the bar and look around. You spot Louis Garrel at one end and make your way over.

“Hey! It’s Louis right?” Louis looks up from his drink and you see a faint look of recognition cross his face. You introduce yourself, and he remembers. You two had met a couple of years ago at some party Saoirse had dragged you to, and ended up having a fun night with a couple of drinks too many. It didn’t lead to anything more than that though, since you and Timothée were still very much together at that time.

“Hey! It’s been a while. How’ve you been?” You and Louis catch up, and you deliberately leave Timothée out of the story.

“So, you’re still with Tim?”

“Actually, I’m not. We broke up almost a year ago.” You couldn’t get used to admitting that. For so long, you’d been convinced that Timothée was your harbor, that you were done hooking up with guys and looking for mister right, because you’d found it, that the harsh reality still stung every time you had to admit that you'd been wrong. 

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah..”

“Hey! We’re at a party, and I don’t want to make you sad. Let’s dance!”

“Are you serious?” A couple of people are dancing, and the music's nice, but you're reluctant to agree.

“Yes! Come on, let’s have a little bit of fun. What’s the worst thing that can happen? I can assure you, I’m a terrible dancer, so if anyone will be embarrassed, it’ll be me.”

“Somehow I have a hard time believing you, but sure.” _What are you doing? You never dance at parties_.

You and Louis make your way over and start to dance. It doesn’t take long for you to be laughing and feeling the familiar rush of dancing to your favorite tunes. Louis doesn’t take himself too serious, which makes you loosen up even more. It’s nice to be able to not think about anything and just dance and have fun.

But then you spot him. Your eyes meet across the room, and he’s looking at you intently, almost longingly. You stop dead in your tracks and it’s like the air is sucked out of the room. It’s overwhelming and you feel as if the walls start closing in on you.

“What’s wrong?”, Louis asks.

You break eye contact with Tim and clear your throat. “Nothing, it’s just really warm here. I’m going to go get some fresh air, I’ll be back in a second.”

“You sure? I can come with you?”

“No! Really, that’s alright. I’ll see you later.”

You make your way over to the emergency exit and end up on the fire escape. Saoirse wasn’t lying when she called this place a dive. You sit down on the steps and bury your head in your hands. The memories come rushing back full force.

* * *

_You remember standing at your stove and feeling uneasy. You couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but it didn’t sit well with you that you hadn’t heard from Tim all day. After poring yourself a glass of red wine, you’d made your way over to the couch and pulled out your phone. You started scrolling through your different feeds, numbing your mind with pictures of friends and tweets of comedians. Just as you were about to put away your phone, you saw a message from one of the trashy accounts you followed, god knew why. The accompanying picture had caught your eye, showing a familiar dark mop of curls._

_“Back together? Spotted today in New York City”_

_You scrolled down, and felt your blood turn into ice. It was undeniable. You would recognize that figure standing on a sidewalk anywhere. You opened the article and enlarged the photo, knowing you were only torturing yourself more. It was him, definitely. The first picture showed Tim standing in front of some coffee place looking at a tall, skinny woman with long blond hair and angel-like features. Lily-Rose Depp. You felt the blood drain from your face and the bile rising in your throat. This was not happening. You scrolled down the article, and the situation worsened with every image. There was one of them sitting across from each other, laughing and touching hands. Another one showed them hugging. Then came the final, devastating blow. It was a picture of the two of them outside again. They were kissing. She had her hand on his cheek, blocking the view ever so slightly, but there was no doubt. They were photographed kissing. The worst part of it all was that Tim had met up with Lily-Rose and had kept it silent. In your mind, it was as if he knew something was going to happen._

_It hit you unexpectedly. You rushed to the bathroom and hunched over the toilet just in time, heaving violently and throwing up the little content of your stomach. It hurt all over, and you slid down to the floor, unable to contain the sobs wrecking your body. How could this be happening? You had been so sure Tim would never hurt you, that meeting him had been a turning point in your life. You’d thought he really loved you, but if that would’ve been true, he wouldn’t do something like this. You pushed yourself up off the floor, bracing yourself against the sink, trying to regain your bearings. Your heartbeat was roaring in your ears, and your chest felt as if you were stabbed over and over._

_You stumbled over to the bedroom, not bothering to turn on any lights or closing any windows that you had opened that morning to air out the room. You rounded the bed and dropped to the floor, hugging your knees into your body and burying your face under your arms. God, this hurt so badly. You let the tears flow freely and felt your chest constrict, but you were sure you weren’t experiencing a heart attack at this age. This was heartbreak, and it was devastating._

* * *

You're pulled from your thoughts by the door slowly opening. You look up but already know who’s there. You quickly brush away the tears that had escaped your eyes.

“Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not okay. How can I be? ”

“I’m sorry.”

“Please stop Timothée. You’ve got to stop. Because I can’t breathe. You hurt me, and somehow, I’m the one left behind with nothing. So you’ve got to stop looking at me like that, because I can’t move on if you look at me like that,” you ramble angrily. You know you're not making much sense, but you can't help it.

“Look at you like what?”

“Like I’m your world, like I.. Like I’m your future.”

“Don’t you think I want to stop looking at you like that? I have been miserable and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I am so sorry what happened, but it’s all a misunderstanding, and you don’t even give me the chance to explain. You just threw us away like it was nothing. We’re together for three years and you just walked away?”

“Of course I did! What else could I do? I was hurt and angry, and I was sad. Do you think it's easy for me, being here with you?”

“You're the one that ended us.”

“You kissed Lily-Rose! I couldn't look at you. Being in the same room as you killed me. But that doesn’t mean I stopped loving you!”

“What?”

“Tim.. I..”

“Because I still love you. You occupy every corner of my mind every day.” Tim moves closer to you. You quickly stand up, trying to gain some distance between the two of you. Your head is swirling and the air between the two of you is thick. This isn’t right, you have to stop this.

“Tim, please..”

“No seriously. You have no idea how much I hate myself for this situation we’re in. I’m so deeply sorry. I love you so much, and I’m scared I've lost you forever. Please, this can’t be it.”

Tim moves closer to you again, and tentatively caresses your face. You close your eyes, it’s too much. You’ve longed for this more than you realized. Suddenly, Tim’s lips are on yours. You freeze, not expecting him to kiss you. He’s unsure as well, realizing what he’d initiated only after he’d actually done it. It feels amazing though, to have his lips on yours again. It feels like coming home. After a moment, you relax and kiss Tim back. It’s desperate and sloppy, filled with a myriad of conflicting feelings. He frames your face with his hands and deepens the kiss. You grab the lapels of his jacket and hold on for dear life. Tim moves one of his hands down your neck, across your shoulder and down your body, caressing your already hardened nipple through the fabric of your dress. You moan, you two never had any problems with this part. You knew how to turn each other on with just a touch, and the time apart hadn’t changed that. You pull him closer by his lapels, and feel his arousal pressed up against your abdomen.

Then suddenly, the door opens again and you jump, escaping Tim’s bubble. It’s Louis standing in the doorway.

“I just wanted to check if everything’s alright, I’m sorry to interrupt”, Louis explains.

“No! That’s.. Thank you Louis. I’m okay, but I have to go.” You hate that you sound so breathless.

“What?! No please, you can’t leave like this, please stay and talk to me.” Tim tries.

“I can’t, I have to.. I've got to go.”

You hurry past Louis and try to find Saoirse. You spot her near the exit and make your way over.

“Babe, I’ve got to go.”

“What? Why? The party is just getting started.”

“I’ll explain later, please, I’m sorry, but I can’t be here.”

“You look flushed, what the hell happened?”

“Wait!” You close your eyes as you feel Tim coming closer. He grabs your wrist. “Please don’t go.”

“What did you do?” Saoirse looks at Tim with a suspicious look on her face.

“Excuse me? I didn’t do anything”, Tim responds.

“I’ll call you Saoirs, and I’ll explain everything. But just, I have to go right now.”

“Okay love.” Saoirse hugs you and whispers in your ear, “Do I need to get angry at him?”

“No, please Saoirs, it’s alright. Enjoy your birthday, I’ll talk to you soon.”

You quickly exit the bar and turn right towards your apartment. After a few moments, you hear the door of the bar opening again, and you already know who it is.

“Please wait.” You stop and turn around slowly.

“Can we please talk sometime? Let me buy you a coffee. Just a coffee, no strings, I promise”, Tim pleads.

You think about it for a moment. You know you have to give him the chance to explain. You owe him that much. “Alright. I’m working at the bookstore on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday this week. You can take me out for a coffee on one of the other days.”

“Thank you. I’ll pick you up on Wednesday at 10 then.”

“Okay. I really have to go now.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye Tim.” You turn around quickly and don’t look back. _What did you just agree to? Was this a good idea?_

* * *

You’ve been lying in your bed staring at the ceiling for over an hour now. After what happened tonight and that kiss, it’s impossible to sleep. You think back to the way Tim’s hands felt against your skin, how his tongue felt in your mouth, how his moans turned you on. You close your eyes and feel your arousal growing. You move your hand down and touch yourself, a memory urging you on.

* * *

_“Tell me what you like”, Tim whispers against the skin of your neck._

_“Tim..”_

_“Please? Indulge me?”_

_“I.. I like it when you kiss me all over.”_

_“Yeah?” Tim kisses your pulse point, darting out his tongue, before making his way down your body, leaving a trail of kisses. “What else?”_

_“I.. Like it when you..”_

_“When I what?”_

_“When you use your mouth and fingers on my nipples..”_

_Tim moves down to the swell of your breasts. You tilt your head back and gasp at the sensation of his hot breath against your skin. You moan loudly when you feel his mouth closing around your nipple. Tim sucks and nips, working your it into a hardened peak. He moves his hand to your other breast, rolling your nipple between his thumb and forefinger, while continuing his assault on your other nipple with his mouth. You feel the muscles in your abdomen tighten, and you sigh heavily_

_“I like it when you use your mouth and tongue.. there..” You pant desperately._

_“Oh yeah?” Tim slowly parts your legs and kisses your inner thigh. He moves further down, skipping the area you ache for him the most, but instead kissing the inner side of your right knee. He kisses his way back up, stopping at the top of your right thigh. He's so close and yet so far, it's overwhelming and yet not enough. He continues kissing and then you feel his tongue running up your slit. Your breath hitches, and you arch your back. The sensations are almost enough to send you over the edge._

_“Like this?” Tim whispers against your tingling skin._

_“Yes, please Tim, don’t stop.”_

_Tim moves his tongue to your oversensitive bundle of nerves._

_“Oh god! Tim… I… Oh!”, you moan. You can’t believe you are this close already._

_“Mmm”, Tim hums against your skin, slipping one finger into you. You squeeze your eyes shut, clutching the sheets between your clenched fists. Tim continues to suck and nip at you, curling his finger inside you, building your climax. Your breath comes out ragged and you are seeing stars behind your eyelids._

_“Tim.. I-I’m coming.”_

_He feels your muscles tense, and suddenly moves his mouth away. “Ah ah ah, not yet.” He warns. You whine at the loss, sounding desperate._

_After a few moments, Tim’s mouth is suddenly back, licking and sucking. He moves his hands to your chest and rolls your nipples between his thumb and forefingers. You feel yourself rushing towards release again, overwhelmed by feeling him everywhere._

_“Oh my god!”, you practically scream, unable to control yourself._

_You feel your muscles tightening, and just like that you come undone beneath Tim. You arch your back and moan his name, trying hard to catch your breath._

* * *

Your climax wakes you from the memory. You cover your face with your hands and let out a heavy sigh. This evening had been intense. The conflicting feelings overwhelm you and leave you confused. Maybe Wednesday would be good. If it didn’t fix things, at least you would have closure.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Tim get coffee and talk.

_“Babe?” Tim touched your cheek and you pulled away as if you’d been touched by fire. You turned your head to look at him, and saw Tim looking at you with a confused look on his face._

_“Do you still love her?”_

_“What? Who?” And then it dawned on him. His coffee with Lily-Rose. She’d called him earlier that week, wanting to meet up. He wasn’t sure why she would want to, but decided there was no harm in having a coffee with a friend. He did still consider them friends and he could use the distraction. After pouring his heart out about the situation you and him were currently in, Lily-Rose had moved in to kiss Tim, to console him. He had pulled away immediately, but clearly not quick enough._

_“Lily-Rose. Do you still love her?”, you asked quietly._

_“Where’s this coming from?”_

_“There are photos Timothée. I’ve seen them, and the rumor mill is already working overtime, suggesting you two are back together.”_

_“What?! That’s complete bullshit! You don’t believe that.”_

_“I don’t know what I believe anymore.” A new batch of tears made their way down your cheeks._

_“Babe, seriously, I love you. Not her, you! You’ve got to believe me. She kissed me, but I pulled away. I’m yours! I don’t want her, I want you.”_

_“Maybe you should go”, you whispered._

_“No! I’m not leaving until you listen to me.”_

_“I can’t do this now Tim, I just can’t. It hurts too much”, you couldn’t contain the small sob bubbling to the surface. Tim was at a loss. What did he have to do to make you see that this was all a big misunderstanding? He had to fix this mess before it was too late. But then he noticed his duffel bag with what he could only imagine was his stuff sitting in the corner of the room._

_“What’s this?”, Tim asked._

_“It’s your stuff”, you said matter-of-factly, taking a deep breath and wiping away your tears._

_“I see that. Why did you pack it?”_

_“It’s_ your _stuff Tim. You’re probably going to need it at some point.”_

_“Are you telling me you don’t want me here anymore?”_

_“I don’t know”, you replied quietly. It was the truth, you didn’t know what you wanted. Being this close to Tim made you want to hug him and forget all the bad stuff, but you knew deep in your heart that in this moment, that was impossible._

_“Why don’t you believe me when I say this is not what it looks like? I don’t love her, I love you. You are so important to me, I don’t want to lose you.”_

_“I don’t know Tim. In my book, people who love each other and want to be with each other don’t go around kissing other people.” It was a low blow, and you knew it, but you were hurting and lashing out._

_Tim pulled his hands through his hair in a gesture of frustration and sighed heavily. Why was it so difficult for him to make you listen?_

_“I didn’t kiss her, I told you. She kissed me and I pulled away.”_

_“Then tell me. For these last couple of months, have you been happy? With me?” For some time now, you and Tim had seen less and less of each other. He’d been consumed by his work, often traveling to places miles away, and contact had been scarce. It wasn’t easy being away from each other, and conflicting schedules and different time zones had often made it nearly impossible to talk to each other over FaceTime. So you resorted to writing each other, but the messages had become more sporadic with time. More often than not, they only consisted of wishing each other a good day or night, and telling each other you loved one another. But even those declarations had come to feel more and more like a habit. When you were physically together, you’d felt out of touch._

_“I..”_

_“Right.” You paused. You knew this would lead to nothing and it hurt more with every passing minute. “I don’t know what you want from me Tim. I trusted you, I used to think of you as someone who would never hurt me. But you did.”_

_“Damn it! You’re not listening to me! I didn’t try to hurt you! Why can’t you believe me? You’re accusing me of things I didn’t do. I didn’t kiss her, she kissed me. I pulled away. I’m stupid, I know, but you have to believe me when I tell you that I didn’t know she felt this way about me, and that I never had any intention of cheating on you. I love you! For fuck’s sake, why can’t you see that?”_

_You were taken aback by his vehemence. He was practically yelling at you now, and if there was anything you couldn’t handle right now was a screaming contest._

_“I think you should leave, Tim.”_

_“You don’t mean that.” Suddenly, all the fight in him was gone._

_“I’m not… I can’t do it. I need time to process this. I need to think, and I can’t think when you’re here, it hurts too much. I just can’t.”_

_“Okay.” Tim sounded defeated. He stood up and turned around, making his way to the door. Suddenly, you couldn’t bear the thought of him leaving, possibly forever. You grabbed his wrist and turned him around, pulling him into a hug._

_“I just need time to think”, you whispered, muffled by the fabric of his sweatshirt. God he smelled so good. It reminded you of the moments he’d made you feel safe. Tears formed in your eyes._

_“Okay”, Tim repeated, kissing the top of your head. He let go of you and picked up the duffel bag. He turned towards the door and left, leaving you alone in the apartment. You slumped down on the couch and buried your head in your hands, sobbing uncontrollably._

* * *

That memory had been playing on repeat in your head ever since agreeing to meet Tim for coffee. You still weren’t sure if it was such a good idea to do this, but you knew deep in your heart that at some point, you had to talk this through with him.

So there you were, sitting across from each other in a diner a few blocks from your apartment, nursing your coffees, figuring out how to rip off the Band-Aid.

“Thank you for agreeing to have coffee with me”, Tim starts.

“Of course. You said you wanted to talk, so talk.”

“Wow, way to ease into the conversation”, Tim smirks.

You feel the heat rise to your cheeks and can’t contain the small, embarrassed smile creeping up your face. You both hate and love the fact that he can still make you feel this way.

“Sorry, I'll start again. How’ve you been?”

“Really? How’ve I been?”

“Well, I don’t know what you want from me Tim! It’s probably better if I just shut up now, because clearly, I’m unable to say the right things.”

“Sorry, I didn’t want to upset you. I don’t know how to start either, and I can’t seem to shake the awkwardness. I’ve been nervous for this all week, and I don’t want to screw this up.”

“That’s okay, I know how you feel”, you respond quietly.

“The reason I wanted to have coffee with you is because I wanted to talk about how we left things. I’ve really missed you, and seeing you last Saturday at Saoirse’s party, dancing with Louis, I just.. And then that kiss.. I know you felt it as well, that there’s still something there.”

“Tim..”

“No, you don’t have to respond to that. I’ll just say what I want to say, and we can take it from there.”

“Okay.”

“I missed you. So much. Those three years with you were the best of my life, and I’ve been beating myself up for screwing up so badly. I know we had our issues, and then I got that call from Lily-Rose, and I’ve been racking my brain as to why I agreed to meet her in the first place. But it felt so good to just, talk about things again. We weren’t talking, and I couldn’t.. I needed to vent, I guess. All I could think about was how much I wanted to be with you, but I didn’t know how to make things right again. And Lily-Rose was understanding. It was something I’d been craving. But then she kissed me, and the whole illusion of her being my friend shattered in front of my eyes, and I needed to get away as quick as possible. Because it’s always been you, my heart belongs to you. But somehow, I lost you. You have no idea how badly I want to make this right, to be yours again, to move on. I love you, never stopped, and I never will.” Tim’s eyes were shimmering with unshed tears. You felt the lump in your throat growing, and it killed you to see him like this. How did you get here? It should’ve never gotten this far. You wanted to kiss everything away.

“Tim…”, you whispered. You grabbed his hand and squeezed it lightly. You remained silent, not quite sure how to respond to all this.

“I’m so sorry about everything. It’s so fucked up. I love you so much I feel like I might burst.”

“I wasn’t lying Saturday, you know. I do still love you.”

That makes Tim look up at you, smiling sweetly, hope in his eyes.

“I’m just afraid, I guess. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, but we weren’t in a good place for some time before the whole thing with Lily-Rose happened. I’m scared that that will happen again, because that hurt almost as much, realizing that you were slowly slipping through my fingers, even though you were right there.” You pause. “Is this really a good idea? And is this really what you want? Or are you in love with the idea of me, the idea of us getting back together?”

You were both silent for a few moments, watching people go by. Then Tim speaks up again. “All I know is that I haven’t been able to move on from you this last year. You said you wanted me to stop looking at you like you’re my future, but I can’t. You’re my harbor.”

“Am I though? It seems like you did plenty of moving on over the summer.” You aren’t sure why you’re bringing this up, but you can’t help yourself.

“Are you serious? I can’t believe you’re throwing that in my face. You wouldn’t respond to any of my calls or messages. I’ve tried to get you to talk to me so many times. I was just drinking my sorrow away.”

“That’s not the only thing you were doing though.”

“Seriously, will you stop? That meant nothing to me. I’d been miserable for over 6 months, I needed to feel something again, even if it was the wrong thing to do. I was sure I’d lost you forever, so I thought what the hell?”

“I’m sorry. I’m not being fair.”

You fall back into silence again, watching each other. Tim fidgets with the sleeves of his sweatshirt, and it’s making you want to cover his hands with yours and kiss his fingers one by one.

“I love you”, Tim whispers.

If you were being honest, you knew he was telling the truth. How he’d been miserable, how he still has these feelings for you. You want to believe him. You want to love him freely again, without any doubts.

You’re pulled out of your reverie by Tim speaking up again. “Let me try and make this right again. Please? You trusted me once. Can you give me a chance?”

Tim was fighting so hard for you. You’re suddenly sure you couldn’t end this without at least trying to make the best thing that had happened to you right again.

“Okay”, you whisper.

“Okay?” An unsure smile slowly creeps up Tim’s face.

“Yes.”

“Thank you”, Tim says quietly.

“I just need to take it slow. I’m still so scared, you have no idea. But I know I want to give us another shot.”

“I love you so much.”

“Tim..”

“I know, it’s difficult, and I heard you. You want to take it slow. That’s fine. But I can’t not tell you I’m crazy about you.”

You smile up at him, really taking him in for the first time today. He hadn’t changed. Sure, he looked tired, and maybe even a little distressed, but he still took your breath away. Those eyes that could look right into your soul, it seemed. Those raven curls, falling into his face every so often. That jaw. Those soft lips. You had to stop yourself before your mind would go from PG-13 to R. Tim smiles at you, almost as if he’d read your mind.

“Can I take you out this weekend? Are you free this Saturday?”

“I.. I’d like that.” You couldn’t really deny him after all this. You made plans for that weekend, and said your goodbyes. You walked back in the direction of your apartment. You couldn’t help but feel the small spark of excitement in your belly at the thought of going on a date with Tim. Maybe this wasn’t a lost cause at all. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim and you go on a second first date.

It turned out the nerves you’d felt for the coffee date were nothing in comparison with the nerves you were feeling today. You’d been determined to keep this to yourself for now, at least until you figured out what ‘this’ was. After all, this second first date, if you would call it that, might turn out to be a disaster. But that had meant that you hadn’t been able to talk to anyone about this.

You and Tim had made plans to meet up at your place in the afternoon. By eleven, you’re standing in front of your wardrobe, unsure of what to wear. What should you wear, if you weren’t even sure what Tim had planned? You curse yourself for not shopping during these last ten months or so, leaving you with little to choose from. You decide to dress simple but chic, so you pull on your favorite dark-grey sweater and black pants, finishing it off with black loafers. You stand in front of your dressing table for a considerable amount of time, debating whether or not to wear the ring Tim gave you on your one-year anniversary. Most of the stuff reminding you of Tim were shoved away in a box in the back of a closet, out of sight, but some items had been hard to part from. This ring was an example of that.

* * *

_“I got you something”, Tim said, after finishing dinner._

_“Tim… You didn’t have to.”_

_“I know, I wanted to.” He slid a small package towards you. “Open it.”, He smiled at you._

_You picked up the package and started to unwrap it. it revealed a small velvet box, which you opened slowly. It was a delicate silver ring set with two small stone diamonds and an aquamarine in the middle. You felt your eyes burn with tears, willing them to go away._

_“You like it? It reminded me of you. I know that sounds sappy, but it did.”_

_“I love it, but this is really too much babe”, you said while looking up at Tim._

_“It’s really not. You’re my world.” You removed the ring from the box and slid it on. “Perfect”, Tim whispered, while taking your hand in his and lightly kissing every finger, moving down your hand, kissing the inside of your wrist. You moved your hands into his hair and kissed him deeply._

* * *

You lift the ring from the velvet box and put it on. It were memories like this, of the good times, that made you believe you and Tim still had a chance.

By 11:30 you’re pacing, getting more worked up with every minute passing. You decide to play a record, even if it was just for a few minutes. Music usually had a calming effect on you. Your record collection, together with the record player, was the most precious thing you owned. It was an expensive passion, and your apartment was not quite equipped to house such a collection, but you made it a rule not to move to a new place without bringing your music. In this apartment, it had resulted in one wall in your living room/kitchen being covered with shelfs stacked with records. You browse through them, and decide to put on a David Bowie record. You start to sway when you hear the first notes of _Sound & Vision_, and you close your eyes in an attempt to drown out your worries with music. It works, because soon enough you’re startled by the buzzer announcing a visitor. You quickly turn down the volume and answer the intercom, knowing already who it is, but making sure anyway. “Hello?”, you ask.

“Hi! Should I come up or are you coming down?”, Tim asks.

“Come on up!”, you answer. Shit, you totally lost track of time. You run to the mirror and quickly adjust your make-up. You’d opted for simple but elegant, and to your relief it had held quite nicely despite the dancing. The nervousness and butterflies in your stomach are back full force though, and you feel like you’re all over the place. 

You’re rushing, quickly unlocking the door and trying to locate your phone and purse, when you hear the knock on the door.

“It’s open!”

Tim enters the apartment, looking at you with a smirk on his face. _She looks nice. Beautiful even_. “Hi there”, Tim says.

“Hi! Sorry, I just have to find my phone and then I’m good to go”, you reply, searching under the couch cushions, finding it tucked away.

You look up to find him smiling at you. “What?”, you ask.

“You haven’t changed, really”, Tim says, “It’s nice.”

Tim looks around. Really, nothing had changed. His eye is automatically drawn to the wall full of records, and he recognizes the sounds of Bowie coming from the record player. “Good choice”, Tim remarks. He remembers the two of you cooking dinner together, playing records and dancing, making a mess along the way. You’d shared an admiration for Bowie, and Tim had bought this record as an addition to your collection. A few months before the two of you broke up, you’d been looking at places for you to move into together. It stings to be reminded that that never happened.

“Thanks, I still listen to this often”, you answer while stopping the record player and putting the record back on the shelf. Tim notices the ring on your finger.

“You're wearing my ring”, he says, surprise in his voice.

“Oh.. Yeah, I.. felt like wearing it today, I guess.” You’re quiet for a couple of moments, watching each other, a myriad of emotions crossing both your faces.

“Ready to go?”, you ask finally.

“Sure”, Tim answers, smiling.

“So, Mr. Chalamet, what have you got planned for today?”, you ask once the two of you are out on the street.

“Nah-ah. I’m not going to tell you and eliminate the possibility to surprise you.”

You look at him suspiciously. What was he planning?

“Trust me”, Tim smiles.

“Alright.”

He starts walking towards the subway station. He really isn’t going to tell you where you’re going. You decide it’s better to just go with it. He did ask for a second chance, or at least a chance to prove he loved you, and wanted to be with you.

Tim takes you to 14 Street Station and starts walking towards the Whitney. You vaguely know the area, since you tried to visit as much museums as possible during the first couple of weeks of living in New York many years ago. Is he taking you to a museum?

Before actually arriving at the museum, Tim makes a turn and walks up to what looks like abandoned train tracks.

“Do you know the High Line?”

“I don’t, actually. I think I heard of it, but I’ve never actually seen it.”

Tim starts walking north, grabbing your hand and guiding you along the path. “I like this. It’s cool how they transformed an abandoned set of tracks into a park.”

“Very.”

You walk along, following the winding path. It feels a bit surreal, walking above street level, but still being dwarfed by the immense buildings of Manhattan. Then, all of a sudden, the river comes into view. You can’t contain the small gasp escaping you, the view is amazing.

“See, this reaction is so much better than telling you my plans.”

“Tim… This is stunning.”

“I figured you might like it.”

You make your way to one of the benches and sit down. Tim opens his backpack and pulls out a thermos and two cups.

“Coffee, my lady?”

“Yes, please.” You smile at him. He still knows you, and he’s showing you just how well. Before this entire disaster, you’d spent many afternoons outdoors, with coffee always close by. He’d joked every now and then that it would probably be more efficient to give you yours in an IV.

You sip your coffee quietly, recognizing the warm feelings bubbling to the surface.

“You know, before I met you, I didn’t care all that much about outdoorsy stuff. Sure, I liked to wander through a park every now and then to clear my head, but since I met you, I really appreciate these patches of green and peace in this hectic city.”

You’re surprised by his comment. You’d never known you changed that for him. “I didn’t know that.”

“You ground me, you know. My mind can get clouded sometimes, but when I’m with you, I feel calm and a sense of purpose.”

“Tim…”

“No seriously. Being with you makes me so incredibly happy.”

You smile at him. He was still such a sap. You grab his hand and squeeze it lightly. You finish your coffees in silence, enjoying the view.

“Ready for our next stop?”

“I guess so”, you smile.

After getting back down to street level, Tim takes you on a tour of the record stores and bookstores you and him used to frequent. He takes the time to make sure you enjoy yourself as much as possible. You talk about everything and anything, and time seems to fly, much like it used to do.

After spending some time in the stores, you decide to take a stroll through Brooklyn Bridge Park, along the East River. You marvel at the green of the leaves and the afternoon sun warming your face. You love spring. Tim watches you, enjoying the way you savor every moment of the day.

You sit down at a quiet corner of the park. “Thank you for today Tim, I’m having a great time.”

“It’s my pleasure”, Tim says, “I enjoy spending time with you and I’m just happy we’re able to do this again. I hope this wasn’t a one-time occasion. You’re still as beautiful and sweet as ever, and when I’m with you, I feel complete.”

You feel as if the wind just got knocked out of you. It is overwhelming, and you don’t know what to say.

Tim must’ve read your expression, because he’s quick to say: “Sorry, I didn’t mean to …”

“No, no, it’s fine”, you interrupt, “You just caught me a little off guard, that’s all. I… I’m happy we’re spending time together again as well, I’ve craved it more than I realized. When I’m with you the concept of time never seemed to make sense, and it still doesn’t. I don’t want it to end either.”

Tim smiles at you. He grabs your hand, those familiar, long lost electric sparks igniting at his touch. God, his skin feels so good against yours. You relish in the feel of his warm hand wrapped around your cold one. Your fingers intertwine, and Tim leans into you. You lean into him and close your eyes, aching for the feeling of his lips touching yours. It starts out soft, without any urgency, as if you have all the time in the world and you want to spent it reacquainting and rediscovering. You melt into his touch and feel as if the butterflies in your stomach are doing somersaults. Tim opens his mouth and licks your lower lip, asking for entry. You open your mouth, and just like that, the kiss turns into something urgent. Tim frames your face with his hands and tangles his tongue with yours. You feel as if you’re on fire and all your nerve ends are crackling with electricity. You lightly pull at the curls in the nape of his neck, remembering how he liked the feel of your hands in his hair. You can’t prevent the soft moan escaping from your throat, which only seems to spur him on more.

After a few minutes, you break away from each other, both panting lightly.

“I… Thank you”, you breathe.

Tim laughs. “You’re welcome.” You blush, enjoying this feel of bliss, of coming home.

“Are you hungry? I made reservations at our favorite place.”

You look at him fondly. He really had thought about everything. “Starving”, you respond.

* * *

At the end of the dinner, you’re both a little tipsy and reluctant to say goodbye.

“Do you want to come back to my place for a drink?”, Tim asks tentatively.

Should you? Was that a good idea? You don’t want to leave, but you’d also agreed on taking it slow. But the way Tim is looking at you makes you feel things you haven’t felt in a long time, and you don’t want to part just yet.

“Sure, I’d love to”, you answer, before second guessing your choice.

Tim smiles and takes your hand. You take a cab to his building, and as soon as you enter it, you’re all over each other. This day has rekindled so many dormant feelings, you can’t help yourself, and ache to feel him closer to you.

You choose to ride the elevator up to his apartment, and as soon as the doors close Tim attacks your neck with sloppy kisses, licking and nipping at your skin. When you arrive at his floor, you’re pulled out of your haze and straighten yourself, both clearing your throats.

“We probably shouldn’t, since we’re taking it slow and all”, Tim says.

“I think that’s wise”, you respond.

After entering his apartment, you walk to the living room, taking it all in. His place hadn’t changed either. It still had that a warm feeling, and still felt very much like him.

“So, do you want a drink?”, Tim asks.

“Sure, I’ll have whatever you’re having”, you answer while moving to the couch.

Tim disappears into the kitchen, getting you a glass of scotch. He hands it to you and sits down next to you on the couch.

“Thanks.” You smile at him remembering the way you like your drink. “I shouldn’t stay long.”

“Of course.”

You finish your drinks, falling back into easy conversation. After a while, Tim takes the empty glass from you, putting both the glasses on the table. He looks into your eyes, and you smile sweetly. He caresses your cheek, and you close your eyes at the feel of his skin against yours.

“You’re so beautiful”, Tim sighs, “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too.” You lean towards him, and kiss him lightly on the lips. Tim closes his eyes, reveling at the touch. “Thank you again for today, Tim. It was amazing.”

“Thank you for agreeing to do this.”

“I think I have to go.” Tim face falls, but he knows you’re right.

“Can we do this again, soon?”, Tim asks.

“I’d like that”, you smile. Tim smiles back at you. You rise from the couch and make your way to the door, but before being able to open it, Tim grabs your wrist and turns you around, pushing you up against the door and crashing his lips to yours. It’s hot and passionate, and you melt into him, opening your mouth instantly. He stops as sudden as he’d started, leaving you wanting more.

“Goodnight kiss”, Tim says, smirking at your flustered appearance.

“Mm-mmm…”, you answer.

You exit the apartment, not wanting to leave, but knowing you had to. You hoped it wouldn’t take long before you'd see him again. The intensity of the feelings you still had for each other overwhelmed and scared you. It would definitely be difficult to take it slow. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim surprises you, and the day turns out differently than you expected it to.

“What are you doing, right now?” It’s 11 on a Tuesday morning and Tim had startled you out of a reading bubble with his call.

“I-uh.. I’m reading, why?”, you reply hesitantly.

“Perfect! Put away your book, put on some boots and come down!”

“What? Why? Tim, what are you up to?”

“Just.. Indulge me, please?”, you can hear the smile in Tim’s voice. You hesitate for a second, but decide to just go with it. It wasn’t as if you had anything planned for today, and the prospect of spending time with Tim makes your stomach flutter. In a way, it feels very similar to those first few weeks you were dating.

“Give me a minute, I’ll be right down.”

“I’ll be waiting!”

You quickly gather your stuff in a purse and put on your most comfy boots. You check your appearance in the mirror, and decide that you just have to make do with a natural and casual look. You throw on your jacket and make your way down. You find Tim waiting by a car, cup of coffee in hand.

“Hey beautiful!”, Tim says, while handing you the coffee. Black and steaming hot, just as you like it.

“Oh, you’re a literal angel”, you sigh, taking a small sip of the coffee. Tim laughs at your reaction.

“So, what’s this?”, you want to know.

“I’m taking you on a date. Hop in!”

You frown slightly. What could he possibly be planning that would require a car ride? Nevertheless, you slide into the passenger seat and make yourself comfortable. Tim takes place in the driver’s seat and turns on the engine, starting up the music. Of course, it’s the Weeknd.

“You never change”, you remark, returning the comment he made last Saturday. Tim smirks and drives out of his parking spot.

“Where are we going?”, you try, already knowing that he won’t tell you. You found it cute that he would orchestrate these dates for the two of you, although you would also find it frustrating not knowing what was going to happen. It was a personality trait that you had trouble shaking off.

“Will you ever stop trying and just give in?”

“Probably not”, you smile, taking a sip of your coffee. It doesn’t take long for you to not recognize the area, and the not knowing where you’re going is making you a little restless. Tim notices and grabs your hand, squeezing it lightly.

“Just relax, you’ll love this.” He briefly takes his eyes of the road and smiles at you. You smile back, bringing your entangled hands up to your mouth and kissing Tim’s hand lightly. It’s brief, like a habit, and Tim smirks at the gesture.

“Alright, we’re here!”, Tim says, pulling into a parking space.

“What is this?”, you wonder out loud.

“These are the botanical gardens. I’ve never been, and I hoped you hadn’t either. From the sounds of it, you haven’t. I thought it might be nice to wander around a bit, enjoying nature. It’s a Tuesday morning, so I doubt it will be busy, and it’s spring, so everything will be in bloom. Do you like it?”

“Tim! I love it. What a great idea, I didn’t know this was here!”

“I’m glad you like it”, Tim smiles.

You buy your tickets and go in. You wander along the different pathways, enjoying the outdoors and the beautiful green surrounding you. You can’t contain the permanent smile plastered on your face, this was really a perfect way to spent a day off.

“I love seeing you like this”, Tim remarks.

“Like what?”, you smile.

“Just.. Happy.”

You’re quiet for a moment. Tim was right, you felt happy, content. Having Tim back in your life was still something that scared you, but mostly because your feelings for him were still so overwhelmingly strong. He was the only person that could both make you feel like the happiest person in the world and crush you into a million pieces, and you were trying to guard yourself from heartache all over again. But in this moment, he was right. You were happy.

“I really am”, you answer.

“Let’s sit for a while”, Tim suggests, sitting down on one of the benches looking over thousands of different colored azaleas. You sit down next to him and sigh contently.

“Do you remember how we used to recite our favorite lines from books and poems to each other?”, Tim asks.

“I do.” That had been one of your favorite pastimes. You and Tim both read a lot of books and listened to a lot of music, and whenever you would discover something new, you would share it with each other.

“ _Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain; Its ancient tale of being apart or together; As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge; Clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time; You become an image of what is remembered forever_.”

You are at a loss for words, not expecting Tim to recite a love poem to you. “That’s beautiful. Who is it?”

“It’s by Rabindranath Tagore, a Bengali poet who won the Nobel Prize of Literature in the early twentieth century. I came across it a couple of months ago, and it reminded me of you, of us.”

“That’s..” You don’t quite know how to respond to that.

“What have you been reading?”, Tim asks.

“Nothing special really.”

“Come on, what were you reading when I called you this morning?”

“Pablo Neruda”, you blush, knowing very well that Tim knows what kind of poet that is.

“Ooh.. This will be fun. Tell me your favorite Neruda poem.”

“No”, you blush a deeper red.

“Come on! Please?”

You remain quiet for a little while, but decide to just go for it. “ _I love you as the plant that never blooms; but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance; risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body; I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where; I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this; where I does not exist, nor you; so close that your hand on my chest is my hand; so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep_.”

“That was.. Not as sensual as I expected”, Tim says, surprise in his voice.

“Disappointed?”

“Not at all. It’s a beautiful poem.”

“Because I can do sensual as well, if you like that better. _My words rained over you, stroking you; A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body; I go so far as to think that you own the universe; I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells, dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses; I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees._ ”

Tim smiles at you, and your eyes wander to his lips. You lean in and touch his with yours. It's soft and tentative at first, reacquainting yourself with him. Tim deepens the kiss, weaving one of his hands into your hair. You return the gesture, pulling lightly at his curls in the nape of his neck. Tim licks your bottom lip, and you open up, allowing him entry. The kiss turns heated and urgent, and you feel the heat pooling low in your belly. You shudder when you feel Tim’s hands wandering down your sides, releasing a soft moan. You both slow down the kiss, eventually breaking away from each other. You take in his flustered appearance, realizing that you’re able to do exactly the same to him as he does to you.

Tim clears his throat and smiles. “I blame Neruda”, he jokes. You laugh out loud and stand up, reaching out your hand.

“Let’s walk some more.” Tim grabs your hand, and you make your way through the park.

After some moments of silence, you start the game up again. “Okay, I have one. What’s your favorite Bob Dylan lyric? I know: is he a poet? But just go with it.”

Tim laughs at your rambling, but replies nonetheless: “ _My love she speaks like silence; Without ideals or violence; She doesn't have to say she's faithful; Yet she's true, like ice, like fire_.”

“That’s a great choice!”, you beam.

“There are so many though, I’m sure that if you’d ask me this question tomorrow I would answer differently.”

“I know.”

“Now tell me yours.”

“ _Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free; Silhouetted by the sea; Circled by the circus sands; With all memory and fate; Driven deep beneath the waves; Let me forget about today until tomorrow_.”

“Beautiful.” Tim quickly pecks you on your cheek.

“Although”, you start, but pausing. “No, never mind.”

“It’s rude to leave me hanging like this you know”, Tim jokes.

“No, I was going to say something, but then decided against it.”

“Please tell me anyway?”

You hesitate. “Well.. I was going to say that during those months apart, I would've chosen different lyrics." You pause again. " _Well, it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe; If’n you don’t know by now; And it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe; It’ll never do, somehow_.”

“I.. Can relate.”

“But let’s not dwell on this.” You desperately try to change the subject. “See, today, for example, I would say my favorite line, outdoing all other lines, would be: _You go your way, I’ll go your way too_.”

Tim smiles broadly. “Is that Dylan?”

“No, it’s Leonard Cohen.”

“Of course it is”, Tim responds, remembering your preference for Cohen, and finding the line so simple yet so fitting. He drapes his arm around your shoulders, hugging you into his body, as you continue walking along the path.

* * *

You get back to your place late afternoon, after spending some more time in the botanical gardens, wandering, talking, laughing, bantering.

“Do you want to come up?”, you ask, a hint of hope in your voice. This had been such a good day, you didn’t want it to end.

“I’d love to.”

You smile and turn around, making your way into the building and up the stairs. After entering your apartment, you take off your coat and shoes, and walk over to the record player. 

“Any preferences?”, you ask.

“Surprise me”, Tim smiles. You decide to put on a record of The Kinks. Something fun and light.

“You hungry?”, you ask, turning around and walking to the fridge, taking inventory. You’re glad you went grocery shopping earlier that week, and decide on pasta alla norma. You gather the ingredients in your arms, not waiting for a reply from Tim, already knowing that he’s starving.

“Starving”, Tim says, walking up behind you. He puts his arms around you and kisses your neck. It’s one of the things he used to do, almost without thinking. It’s these little things, these almost-habits, that remind you of how you’d missed him these last months. You close your eyes at the feel of him surrounding you.

“How can I help?”, Tim asks.

You instruct him and go to work, preparing the pasta. Without realizing, you hum and sway along with the music. Tim watches you, smiling.

“Put down your knife”, he says. You do as told, and he grabs your hands and pulls you away from the kitchen, dancing with you to the music. It’s silly and you laugh, feeling better than you had in a long time. How does he do that? Making you feel this good? You both keep on dancing, smiling and laughing the entire time. A slower song comes on, and you move your arms around Tim and lay your head against his chest. He embraces you and kisses the top of your head. You don’t want this moment to end, ever.

* * *

You’re finishing your dinner, sitting across from each other at your small kitchen table.

“That was delicious”, Tim sighs, “I really missed your cooking.”

“It’s my pleasure”, you smile.

“So, tell me. What are the projects you’re working on at the moment?” You’d deliberately avoided talking about work until now, not wanting to be reminded of the times you were apart, both physically and mentally.

Tim starts talking about his projects, and the prospects of taking on the role of Bob Dylan. You knew he was up for that, and it warms you to see how passionate he is about it. He goes on, talking about other projects. By the sounds of it, he’ll be occupied for at least the next five years. You smile ruefully.

“What’s wrong?”, Tim asks when seeing your expression.

“Nothing”, you lie.

“Come on, you know you’re a terrible liar.”

“It’s just.. It sounds familiar. And I’m so happy for you, and I don’t want to stand in your way.”

“Stand in my way? What are you talking about?”

“You’re just, very busy, and will be for the foreseeable future.”

“So?”

“Nothing. Really, just, let it go, please?”

Tim hesitates, looking at you suspiciously. “Please don’t pull away from me. I’ll not let it get as bad as it was all those months ago. I can’t lose you again, I wouldn’t survive.”

You smile at his words. He was right, it felt different this time. “I believe you”, you reply.

You look at him from across the table. You’re suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling. You don’t want him to leave tonight, but is it too soon? Would he think you were too eager if you asked him to stay the night? You’re hesitant, but you decide to bite the bullet. You just want to be with him for as long as you can.

“Do you maybe want to stay here tonight? I’m not saying I’m ready, for, you know, sex. I still want to take it slow. I just don’t want you to leave and, well, I have the day off tomorrow, and I like having you here. You can say no”, you ramble. What’s wrong with you? Are you ready for this?

Before you can let doubt take over, Tim smiles, moving his hand across your cheek and temple, settling in your hair. “I’d love to.” He kisses you on the lips.

* * *

You’d spent the evening watching series and kissing on the couch. At a certain point, you both had completely lost interest in the television and you’d moved to lay on top of Tim to kiss him, and that’s where you’d remained for over an hour, until you’d sat up, trying but failing to suppress a yawn.

“I think we need to get you to bed”, Tim says, smiling at your determination to not show how tired you are.

“Bed does sound nice.”

You move to stand up, reaching out your hand to Tim. He grabs it and follows you into your bedroom.

“Do you need to borrow a toothbrush? I believe I have a spare lying around somewhere.”

“You have a spare toothbrush lying around?”, Tim smirks.

You shove him gently against his shoulder. “It’s one of yours, from those bulk packages you used to buy”, you blush.

“Well then, yes please”, Tim says.

You smile. God, how is it possible he looks so hot all the time. You move to the bathroom, Tim following close behind. You brush your teeth next to each other, smiling at each other in the mirror. You move back to the bedroom and quickly change into a tank top and shorts. Tim enters the bedroom, smiling and inching his way towards you. He has changed into one of his old pair of pajama pants and a t shirt that you still had lying around. You move into his embrace and kiss him. He opens his mouth, and you deepen the kiss. He carefully moves you to your bed, pushing you on your back gently. You slide up the bed and Tim moves on top of you. You kiss again, more urgent this time. You arch your back and moan at the sensation of him on top of you. You missed this, you’d craved for it.

You move your hands to Tim’s back, inching your hands under his t-shirt. All your caution is thrown to the wind as you push it up, caressing his back along the way. Tim shudders and moans against your neck, loving the feel of your touch. He sits up and pulls his shirt over his head, tossing it away. You look into his eyes, smiling. You kiss his shoulder, moving to his neck, and across his collarbones to the other shoulder.

“Mmm… That feels so good”, Tim sighs, losing himself in the sensation, “I missed you so much…”

You continue kissing him, moving back to his lips and kissing him deeply.

Tim exchanges your mouth for your neck, kissing and sucking, before moving to your chest. He inches up your tank top, looking up at you questioningly. You nod, and arch your back to give him space to remove the top. He sits up and looks at you in awe.

“You’re so gorgeous”, Tim says, moving down to kiss your neck. “This spot, right here”, he whispers, kissing you right underneath your left ear. “I like how it still makes you shudder”, he smiles, watching you do just that. You sigh. He moves down your body, stopping at your breasts. “You’re perfect”, he mumbles, kissing the top of your left breast, licking the skin. He cups your right breast with his hand, tugging lightly at your right nipple. Meanwhile, he moves his mouth to your left nipple and darts out his tongue, circling it. You can’t contain the moan escaping your throat. You feel as if a dormant fire has been rekindled with a thousand sparks and is burning you alive. He sucks on your nipple, and bites down gently. You arch your back at the sensation. It’s overwhelming, you feel him everywhere. Tim switches sides, moving his mouth to your right breast, repeating his ministrations, while he continues massaging your left breast with his hand. You’re bunching up the bedsheets in your fists, trying but failing to get any grip. He’s working your breast gently, alternating sucking, licking and nipping, and the sensations caused by both his mouth and his hand are inching you closer and closer to the edge.

“Oh.. Tim”, you sigh and moan, “Don’t stop, please.” You can feel it building low in your belly. This was new, you’re teetering towards the edge, feeling your climax building. This has never happened before, you usually needed more than this. Being apart from Tim for ten months had left you aching for him, and it was intense. You move your hands into his hair, gripping at his curls and pulling lightly, urging him on. You tense up, knowing you're close. In the back of your mind, you realize this probably wasn't the smartest thing to be doing right now, but there was no way in hell you were going to stop this.

“Tim, I… Ohhh… I’m close”, you sound desperate, but you don’t care. This feels so good. Tim hums against your skin and that’s all it takes. You scream his name, but Tim doesn’t move away. He eases his touch, mouthing at your skin as a sign of comfort. You breathe raggedly, desperately trying to regain some control. Finally, he pulls away and looks up at you, smirking. He kisses your cheeks, the tip of your nose, and both your eyelids, urging you to open your eyes. You hadn’t even realized you closed them. You look into his green ones, his pupils blown from arousal, and sigh.

“So beautiful”, Tim whispers.

You move your hands to his shoulders and gently push him on his back, shifting positions. You straddle him and sit up slightly, gently resting your hands on his bare chest.

You duck your head down and start kissing his neck, moving down to his nipples. You suck on the left one and bite down gently. Tim hisses, and you soothe him with your tongue and lips. You move down, kissing his stomach and the skin just above his pants, trailing a path with your tongue.

You inch your fingers underneath the waistband, but Tim stops you, placing his hands on yours.

“You don’t have to.”

“I know, I want to. I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel. Let me taste you, please.”

Tim releases your hands, arching off the bed to give you space to pull down his pants. You do it slowly, inching the fabric down, kissing every inch of newly exposed skin, before you discard it completely.

Lastly, you pull down his boxers.

“You're perfect”, you whisper, as you trail your fingertip up the length of him. You hear him moan above you, and you move to replace your finger with your tongue, licking the underside of his shaft all the way to the tip. You taste the pre-cum already there, and circle his head, remembering exactly how to make him writhe. Tim groans loudly, arching his back at the feel of your tongue against him. You open your mouth and take him in, sucking lightly as you try and take him all in your mouth.

“Oh my god…” Tim moans, “Please don’t stop.”

You smile, slowly bobbing your head up and down and up again, sucking at the tip of his head.

“You feel so good”, Tim lets out a loud groan.

“Baby, I’m close.” He moves his hands into your hair, lightly scratching your scalp.

Baby. It hits you that that’s the first time he calls you baby since you started going out again. You like how it makes you feel, and you like how vocal he still is. You move your hand to the underside of his shaft, using it there where you can’t reach with your mouth. You feel his muscles tensing up, and you know he’s almost there. You take as much of him in your mouth again, sucking and rubbing, and that’s what sends him over the edge.

Tim moans and mumbles nonsensically, French mixed with English, while gripping the sheets tightly. You swallow all of him, and you revel in the way you can still make him loose control. You ease him down from his high, and when the spasms stop, you move up to lay on top of him. He immediately encircles your body and kisses you deeply, tasting himself on your tongue.

You both moan softly. The kiss is lazy and perfect. You’re both perfectly sated and happy to just lay there for the rest of the night. You pull away, looking at his disheveled appearance and smile. You move to lay beside him, and he immediately turns towards you. You can’t suppress a yawn, the exhaustion hitting you full force. Tim kisses your forehead and cheeks, and embraces you. You rest your head against his chest and he rests his chin on top of your head. You sigh happily, and it doesn’t take long before sleep overcomes you both. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poems cited:  
> Rabindranath Tagore - Unending Love  
> Pablo Neruda - I do not love you...  
> Pablo Neruda - Every Day You Play
> 
> Songs cited:  
> Bob Dylan - Love Minus Zero/No Limit  
> Bob Dylan - Mr. Tambourine Man  
> Bob Dylan - Don't Think Twice, It's All Right


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saoirse finds out, and more second first times happen.

“Hey Saoirs!”, you answer the phone happily.

“Hey stranger. How’ve you been?”

You can sense where this conversation is going, but decide to play dumb anyway. “I’ve been good! I’ve been busy working at the bookstore, but nothing special has happened, really.” The moment you say it, you know this won’t go over easy.

“Are you serious? I talk to Timmy too, you know. Why won’t you tell me what’s going on between you two?”

You’re quiet for a beat. You’d hoped you could keep this thing, by lack of a better word, between you and Tim under the radar for a little while longer, but apparently the odds weren’t in your favor. Besides, it wasn’t fair to keep this from Saoirse. She’d been there when you and Tim broke up, virtually moving in and taking care of you by providing a shoulder to cry on, and lots of comfort food, bad movies and distractions.

“I’m sorry babe, you’re right. It’s just, still very new, and I’m not even sure what ‘it’ is..”

“I forgive you, but only if you agree to have dinner with me. I want to know everything.”

“How could I say no to you?”, you smile. It was a good idea to have dinner, and you’d missed Saoirse. “Why don’t you come over later today. I’ll cook, and we can talk about everything.”

“Sounds wonderful! See you later love!”

“See you later.”

* * *

“So, spill.” You and Saoirse just started your dinner, home-made hamburgers, and apparently, she wasn’t going to beat around the bushes.

You start telling her everything about the past two weeks. How you and Tim had kissed at the party, how he’d come after you when you left, the coffee, the dates, everything.

“You kissed at my party?!”

“Well.. Yes..”

“And you didn’t tell me? I knew something was wrong when you left so hastily and Timmy came running after you! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I just.. I was all shook up. You know how I feel about him, and how I’ve been struggling these past months. Hell, this past year. It’s just been so wonderful to have him back in my life, you know? I guess I wanted to keep this to myself just a little while longer, just so I can figure out how I feel about all this.”

“You sound smitten.”

“I.. Maybe, I am? I don’t know Saoirs..”

“I just want you to be careful love. You know I adore Timmy and you, but I remember very vividly how he crushed you into a million pieces last time. I was there to pick up the pieces and glue you back together, remember?”

* * *

_“Babe? I came as soon as I saw your message!”, Saoirse yelled into a dark apartment. You heard her, but the sound was far away and you didn’t register it entirely. You were on the floor of your bedroom, curled up into a ball, tears flowing freely. It was freezing. You’d opened the windows that morning for some fresh air, but hadn’t bothered to close them after you’re life had fallen to pieces._

_“Babe?” The sound was closer now, Saoirse was probably in the bedroom._

_“What are you doing on the floor love? And why is it this cold here? Are you insane? What’s wrong?”_

_What’s wrong? What kind of question was that? What’s right would be a better one, and nothing would be the answer._

_“What happened love?” Saoirse laid down next to you, facing you, brushing a strand of hair out of your face. You looked into her eyes and tried to find your voice._

_“He.. We.. It’s over Saoirs.” You started sobbing again. Damn it! Why couldn’t you control yourself._

_“What?! Tell me what happened love, you’re scaring me.”_

_“He.. There are pictures.. Him and Lily-Rose. He kissed Lily-Rose.. God, it hurts so much.. I couldn’t look at him anymore. I told him to go.” You closed your eyes and let grieve take over again. Saoirse pulled you into a hug, as good and as bad as she could while lying on the floor. You let yourself feel everything, and it felt as if your heart was shredded to a thousand tiny pieces. After a while, the sobs subsided a little, giving you room to breathe._

_“Let’s get you off the floor babe, this isn’t healthy.” Saoirse slowly got up and reached out her hands. You pulled yourself up, faltering slightly after lying on the floor for so long._

_“Why don’t you go take a shower love? Warm up a bit? I’m sure you’re feeling like crap. I’ll clean up and order us some food, okay? I won’t leave you.”_

_“Okay..”, you agree, making your way to the bathroom. You turned on the shower and got undressed. You let the scalding hot stream cascade from your body, hoping it would wash away some of the brutality of your sorrow. You didn’t know how long you stood there, but when you decided it was enough you hadn’t felt better in any way._

_You wrapped yourself in a large towel, and looked at your reflection in the mirror. You looked dreadful. Your eyes were red-rimmed and your skin had a greyish color. You pulled on a flannel pajama pants and a tank top, and exited the bathroom._

_While you were in the shower, Saoirse had closed the windows in your bedroom and ordered a pizza from your favorite place. But then there was a knock on the door. She opened the door slightly and was surprised to see Tim standing on the other side. It wasn’t a happy surprise._

_“What do you think you’re doing here, Timmy?”_

_“Saoirse, I.. I just.. Can I come in?”_

_“Of course not!”, Saoirse whispered angrily. “Are you that stupid Timmy? What were you thinking, kissing Lily-Rose? I thought you were in love, I thought you were happy!”_

_“I didn’t kiss her! She kissed me! And I am, I don’t want to lose her Saoirs!”_

_“Well, maybe you should’ve thought about that before you kissed someone else.” Before Tim could argue otherwise, Saoirse started again. “You should go Tim. She doesn’t want to see you right now.”_

_“But I..” Tim’s eyes filled with tears._

_Saoirse softened a little. “This just isn’t the right time Timmy.”_

_“Will you tell her I was here?”_

_“I will.” Saoirse hugged Tim and said goodbye, closing the door quietly._

_When you emerged from the bathroom, you noticed Saoirse sitting on your couch, watching the bathroom door, almost as if she was willing you to appear. She had a concerned look on her face._

_“Is something wrong?” What a weird thing to ask, but you couldn’t find other words._

_“No love, nothing. Pizza’s on its way. Come, let’s watch a movie.”_

* * *

“Of course I remember.. But this feels different. He’s been showing me how much he loves me and how deeply sorry he is. It’s just different.”

Saoirse is quiet for a moment. “You know.. I never told you, but Timmy came by that night I found you on your bedroom floor.”

“What?!”

“When you were in the shower, he came by. He wanted to talk to you, but I sent him away.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I saw how broken you were. I just thought that it was bad timing.”

“You should’ve told me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” You look at each other for a few beats.

“It’s okay.”

“I want to believe you babe, I want him to be different this time as well. But just promise me you’ll be careful. I don’t want to see you get hurt like that again. I’ll personally murder him if he does that to you again. I don’t care about the consequences.” You snicker. You love Saoirse to death, and it feels good to have someone like that in your corner. You continue eating and talking for a while after that, until you realize how late it is. You say your goodbyes, promising to call again soon.

* * *

You had a crappy day at work. The only thing getting you through it was the promise of Tim waiting for you at your place. You hadn’t seen him for a couple of days, and you’d missed him. He still had your key, which come to think of it, was kind of weird, but worked out well today. He texted you, asking you if it was alright if he’d cook you dinner tonight, and you couldn’t be more excited at that prospect.

You get to your building, completely destroyed, and make your way up to your floor. You’re met with the most delicious smell.

“Tim?”

“Babe! Kitchen! I’m making us soup and some garlic bread. Or at least I’m trying.”

You smile. There it was again. _Babe_. You like coming home to him this way. You follow the smell and sounds and see him standing at the stove. You make your way to him and circle your arms around him, nuzzling his neck, loving the ticklish feel of his curls against your skin.

“I’m so happy to see you”, you sigh, kissing him softly.

“Mmm… Me too, how was your day?”

“Terrible. Nothing went the way I wanted it to. Let’s not talk about it.”

“As you wish.”

Tim drops the spatula and turns around in your arms. He frames your face with his hands and plants a kiss on your lips. It feels so normal, but it still makes your heart flutter every time he does something like this. You sigh into the kiss, and linger for a little while longer, not ready to let him go yet.

After a moment, you part, a smile forming on both your faces. Tim turns back to finish dinner, and you make your way to your records. You grab one by Talking Heads, and put it on. You turn back to Tim, lost in thought. You’re already falling for him, again. Even more, you’re not falling, you’re already very much in love with him, just as Saoirse had suspected. It was incredible how that had happened in the course of only a few weeks.

“You’re staring”, Tim wakes you up from your daydream, startling you a little.

“Sorry, I can’t help it. I’m so head over heels in love with you”, you joke, even though it’s not really a joke.

“Tease.”

“Why’s that?”

“When you say those things to me, the only thing I can think about is ripping off your clothes and taking you right there and then.”

You blush a little at his words, but decide to not back away just yet. “What keeps you?”

“Careful, I’m not that hungry. For food, that is.”

You giggle. “Well I am, so please continue cooking.”

You sit down at the kitchen table, deciding to tell Tim about Saoirse’s visit the other night.

“So, Saoirse came over for dinner a couple of days ago.”

“Oh yeah?” Tim doesn’t look up from the stove.

“She wanted to know what was going on.”

“Ah, this should be fun.” Tim turns around.

“I told her about everything.”

“What did she say?”

“She’s happy for us.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

“No really, she is. She’s just protective, that’s all.”

“Hmm..”

“She told me about how you came by that night she was here, last year.”

“She didn’t tell you before?”

“No, she didn’t. I’m sorry I never reached out to you during that period. If I’d known you had been at my door, I would’ve.”

“That’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

“Still, I’m sorry.”

“Please, don’t apologize. There’s nothing you should be apologizing for.”

You stand up from your seat and make your way over to Tim. You frame his face and crash your lips on his, wanting to kiss away the sadness evident in his eyes. Tim immediately responds and closes his eyes, encircling your body with his arms. The kiss is desperate and passionate, the both of you trying to communicate your feelings with your tongues.

You feel Tim’s hands cupping your ass, lifting you up on the kitchen counter. He positions himself between your legs, continuing the kiss, entangling his tongue with yours. You push your hands into his curls, turning his hair into a wild, curly mess. His hands wander down your sides over your dress. You respond by hooking your leg around his waist. Tim bunches up the fabric of your dress and caresses the skin of your thighs, up to your lacy thong. It’s desperate and heated, and you both ache to feel more. Once he feels the lace, Tim moans loudly into your mouth and presses himself against you even more. You feel his arousal growing through the fabric of his pants.

After a few moments, you come up for air, panting heavily. You lower yourself to the ground and gently push him away, walking towards the bedroom door. You step out of your shoes and start undressing, slowly pushing down the straps of your dress and lowering the zipper, making it fall to the floor. Tim is watching you the entire time, a look of lust and wonder on his face. Once you reach the door, he springs into action, unbuttoning his shirt. He strides after you quickly, and gasps when he sees you splayed out on the bed, in nothing but your lacy lingerie, your hair framing your face like a halo.

Tim is quick to remove the rest of his clothes, leaving only his boxers on, and moves on top of you. You moan at the contact of his bare skin against yours, and arch up to kiss him deeply. He’s as eager as you to feel more of you against him, and moves down your body, kissing and licking your skin, knowing exactly what spots to linger on to turn you into a writhing mess. Once he reaches your breasts, you sit up and let him remove your bra. He quickly does so, revealing your already hardened nipples. He takes your left nipple in his mouth, biting down gently. You gasp at the sensation. He circles your nipple with his tongue and sucks it into his mouth.

“Tim…”, you whisper.

He moves further down your body and removes your thong.

“God, you are so gorgeous”, Tim breathes.

“Tim… I need you.”

Tim takes that as his cue and moves down to press his tongue against your clit. You gasp and arch your back, overwhelmed by the electric shocks it sends through your body. Tim sucks your bundle of nerves into his mouth, and works you up into a frenzy. He slips in a finger and curls it upwards, making you moan even harder.

“Tim… Tim… Tim, stop”, you gasp. You’re suddenly very sure you’re ready, and you want to take the next step.

“What’s wrong”, Tim asks confused.

“Not like this, I want to come with you inside me”, you whisper.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes… Tim, I need you… Please.” Tim moves back up your body and kisses you deeply. You taste yourself on his tongue, and moan.

Tim sits up and removes his boxers. You reach for the bedside table and retrieve a condom from the drawer, opening the package. You sit up and take his erection in your hand, lowering your mouth and sucking on his head. Tim gasps, moving his hands to grab your hair. You slowly bob your head up and down a few times, before releasing him with a soft pop and putting on the condom.

You lay back down, and Tim moves back on top of you. He crashes his lips onto yours again and you open up immediately. It’s a desperate and messy kiss, both aching to feel more. He moves to your neck and sucks on the skin, marking you.

Tim releases your neck and grabs your thighs, pushing your legs up against your body. You respond by hooking your legs around him and he aligns himself, feeling your wet heat. He looks into your eyes and kisses you once again, pushing into you slowly. You both moan loudly at the sensation, and continued kissing until he’s fully engulfed in you. He moves away from your lips, but remains still and makes sure your foreheads are still touching.

“Oh… Timothée”, you gasp.

“God… You feel so good… You’re so tight.” You’re desperate for him to start moving, so you arch your back. He pulls back slowly, only to push back in fully. God, you missed him, you missed feeling him like this. You move your hips up to meet him, and he picks up the pace. He hits that sweet, delicious spot deep inside you, and you feel your muscles starting to clench.

“Oh my god, Tim, don’t stop… That feels so good”, you moan.

“Oh… Baby, you are so perfect.”

Tim moves one of his hands between the both of you and starts circling your clit.

“Come for me baby.”

“Oh, Tim, I… I’m close, don’t stop.” You feel the heat pool low in your belly, and you clench your muscles around him. Tim continues thrusting into you, grabbing your leg with his free hand and pushing it further up. The change of position is all it takes to send you over the edge. You scream his name and pant heavily. The feel of your muscles clenching around him is enough for Tim to come as well, and he buries his face in your neck, whispering your name against your skin. After the shocks subside, he pulls out carefully, discarding the condom. Tim pulls you to him, and you lay your head on his chest.

He caresses the skin of your back, painting it with slow circles, and you kiss his skin.

“I love you”, Tim whispers.

You move up to look into his eyes and smile.

“I love you too”, you answer. And it’s true. Right in that moment, you’re sure you love him like you hadn’t loved in a long time. You move to kiss him, pressing your lips against his softly. You dart out your tongue and lick his lower lip, asking for entry. He opens up and you tangle your tongue with his. This kiss is different from the desperate kisses from earlier that evening. It’s filled with love and promises, and you feel warm. You love him, you’re sure.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day of reacquainting and rediscovering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very smutty :-)

You’re woken up by the feeling of Tim peppering soft kisses across your shoulder blades.

“Mmm…”, you moan groggily.

“Morning beautiful”, Tim mumbles against your skin.

He kisses you down the middle of your back before he turns you around and kisses you on your mouth. You feel slightly self-conscious, having just woken up and all, but Tim doesn’t seem to mind and deepens the kiss. He moves to your jawline and kisses you down your neck to your clavicle, where he sucks lightly. It’s as if all of your nerve ends stand on end, sparkling with electricity.

“Tim…”, you whisper quietly, unable to contain the shiver running through your body.

He continues down, worshipping every inch of skin he meets along his way. He kisses your left nipple and sucks lightly on your right, making you moan. It’s amazing how quickly he can turn you on. Only he could do that.

Tim kisses you down your stomach, making his way to your left hip. He darts out his tongue and traces a path to your right hip. You arch your back at the sensation, he knows exactly what makes you writhe.

Tim smiles against your skin and moves back up your body, laying on top of you. He kisses the spot under your left ear.

“You are so beautiful”, Tim whispers against your skin. “I’m going to make your body sing, and show you how well I know you.”

His words send shivers down your body and you can’t contain the moan escaping your throat.

“Tim..” You’re already panting. This was how you remembered it. You knew how to turn each other on and drive each other crazy, and it seems like that’s exactly what Tim is planning on doing right now.

Tim descends on your mouth again, kissing you long and deeply. He grinds his hips against you involuntarily, and you can feel his arousal growing.

Tim moves his hands down your body, grabbing your breast and pinching your nipple. You cry out in his mouth, already very much on edge. “Don’t stop”, you pant. It’s as if you’ve been wandering through the desert without water, and Tim is your fresh water spring. You crave this, and your skin feels as if on fire.

“I don’t intend to”, Tim smiles, kissing you deeply again, more desperate this time. He continues kissing down your body, sucking on the soft skin of the swell of your breasts before taking your nipple between his teeth.

“Oh my god”, you moan, arching your back and thrashing your head from side to side.

“I’ve missed the way you taste, the way you feel, the way I can make you writhe”, Tim whispers.

“Tim.. I.. Oh god.. I need you”, you pant.

Tim moves further down your body, licking a trail from your breasts to your clit. He licks your slit lightly, and it drives you crazy. You need to feel more of him, and you buck your hips. Taking that as his cue, he sucks your sensitive bundle of nerves into his mouth. You cry out at the sensation, and you squeeze your eyes shut. Tim sucks and nips before moving back up your body, making you whine at the loss. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

“Tim”, you heave, “Please..” You sound desperate, but you couldn’t care less. Tim kisses you deeply again, and you taste yourself on his tongue. He moves one of his hands between your bodies and starts to move his fingers slowly against your clit, making you moan loudly. He cradles your head with his free hand and presses you against him, picking up his rhythm. You can’t contain the moans escaping you, and you feel yourself rushing towards your release.

Tim tangles his fingers in your hair and pulls it roughly, feeling your wetness spread over his fingers. He enters you, curling his finger inside you, and feels your muscles clenching around him. Both your breaths come out in ragged gasps by now, and Tim pulls your hair again when he feels you tighten even more, making you cry out.

“Please, Tim”, you moan, “I need you, now.. Please..”

Tim releases his grip on you and aligns himself with your entrance, just as desperate for more as you are. He pulls your legs further apart and hitches them up. He grabs your curves, pressing his fingers firmly into your thighs. It was a delicious mix between pain and pleasure, and you were sure he would leave marks on your skin. He thrusts into you hard and sudden, making you release a sound somewhere between a moan and a sob. You were in a pure state of bliss. You moan in time with Tim’s heavy thrusts, and you claw at the skin of his back, leaving your own marks.

“Oh god.. Babe.. You feel so good”, Tim moans in your ear, “I love you so much”

“Oh my god.. Tim..”

“You’re so tight…”

“Ah.. Timothée..”

Tim quickens his pace, tilting your hips up. It isn’t long before he’s slamming into you, your name spilling from his lips like a mantra.

He grabs your hands and intertwines your fingers, raising them above your head. He kisses you deeply again, moaning into your mouth. You thrust your hips up to meet his, and Tim releases your hands to grab your hips again, pulling you against him harder and faster. It’s all you need, and you cry out as you climax. Tim moans loudly in your ear as the feel of your muscles clenching around him are enough for him to release inside you.

He slumps against you and pants heavily, his hot breath against the skin of your neck.

“Wow..”, you pant.

“Good morning, beautiful.” You feel Tim smile against your skin.

“Tell me about it”, you sigh.

“God, I’ve missed this. I’ve missed waking up next to you, kissing you, making love..”

“I know, me too..”

“You make me so incredibly happy.”

“I love you so much Tim.”

You lay there for some time after that, blissed out in your own private bubble.

* * *

You’d stayed in bed for a while after that, kissing, cuddling and whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears, before you got up and decided to take a shower together. It got hot and heavy quickly in your tiny shower cabin, with Tim pushing you against the tiles and assaulting your neck and breasts. He turned you around and pushed into you again, making you come for the second time that day. It was as if you were dating for the first time all over again, and it felt amazing. 

After the shower, you decided to go to the bakery around the corner to pick up some pastries and coffee and to have breakfast in the park. It was a wonderful crisp and sunny morning, and your makeshift breakfast picnic on a park bench was the perfect way to spent it.

After you’d finished your breakfast and walked hand in hand through the park, talking about the upcoming week and both of your plans, you decided to go back to your place to just be together for the rest of the day.

At the end of the day, you decided to play a game to pass the time.

“Okay, so I’ve got Yahtzee, Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly and a deck of cards.”

“Hm… Are you sure you want to do this?”

“What would you propose we do otherwise?”

“I don’t know? Never have I ever?”

“Are you serious?” You can’t help the smile creeping up your face at Tim’s suggestion. This could be fun.

“Why not? It’s better than four dreadful hours of Monopoly, that’s for sure.”

“Okay then, but if we’re going to do this, I’m drinking. I’m putting my foot down.”

Tim studies you, a smirk creeping up his face. You make your way to the liquor cabinet and retrieve a bottle of scotch and tequila.

“You choose, scotch or tequila?”

“Are you sure you want to do that?” Tim asks reluctantly.

“Are you suggesting I can’t handle my liquor? Because that would be offensive. Besides, the last time I did shots with you, it didn’t turn out all that bad. Now please, pick your poison.”

“Good point. Hand me the scotch.” You pass the bottle to Tim and walk over to the kitchen, retrieving two shot glasses. You set the glasses down on the coffee table, and lower yourself to the floor, sitting down cross-legged. Tim lowers himself from the couch and sits down opposite of you.

“Okay, I’ll start.” You try to think of a good starting question while filling up the two shot glasses. “Never have I ever gone skinny dipping.”

“Really? That’s what you’re starting with?” Tim smirks while downing the shot.

“Yes, and spill! When was this?”

“I was 18, I think. It was summer and we were in France, in Le Chambon-sur-Lignon, and it was sweltering hot. I had a summer fling, and we were making out in the grass one night, and when things got too heated we decided to go skinny dipping in the lake.”

“Of course you did.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tim asks with a smile.

“Nothing. I’m just imagining younger you, suggesting to go swimming naked at night.” You smirk.

“Well, we can go skinny dipping as well you know, when it’s warmer. Think about it, you, me, naked, somewhere in a cabin, the thrill of being out in the open, in the water, without barriers.”

You duck your head and feel your cheeks flush. Tim smiles at your reaction. God, why can’t you control your blushing?

“Alright, my turn. Never have I ever been to a nudist beach.”

You bark out a laugh, and reach for the shot of tequila, downing it in one swig, enjoying the burn it causes going down.

“Seriously?! Tell me, did the sand get everywhere?”

“Tim!”, you look at him incredulously.

“Come on! You have to tell me about it now. I told you about the skinny dipping.”

“Alright, alright. You know I grew up near the beach, so during the summer we would often ride our bikes to the coast and spend the day sunbathing and swimming in the sea. One day, a friend and I were wondering what it would be like to go to the nudist section of the beach, so we did. We stayed there for like 30 minutes or so, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. It’s not as hot as it sounds, what with the sand reaching places it shouldn’t, and people you wouldn’t want to see naked walking around, naked.”

Tim laughs at your description. “Thank you for that visual. I preferred the version in my mind, with you naked, bathing in the sun.”

“I would offer to go in the summer, but I won’t because it’s not something I’m planning on repeating, ever.”

“Bummer.”

This goes on for a while. You learn that Tim has been thrown out of a club once, for getting in a fight, that he’s used fake names on several occasions, and that his mom had walked in on him once. All things you never talked about before. Tim makes you confess to having kissed a girl, drunk texting an ex and doing a body shot. You both start to feel the familiar buzz from the alcohol.

“Never have I ever fallen in love with someone at first sight.” Tim drinks his shot.

“You have?”, you ask.

“Well yeah, with you.”

“Tim…”, you’re speechless.

“It’s true. It hit me completely unexpectedly, but I knew I had to see you again after that first run in at Saiorse’s birthday. I was struck by basically everything about you. So yeah, a goner at first sight.”

“You’re such a sap. And too sweet.” You lean over the coffee table and kiss him slowly. It starts out soft, but when Tim licks your lower lip, you respond immediately, and the kiss turns heated, the both of you licking, tasting and memorizing each other. You moan at the feel of Tim’s tongue in your mouth and his hands roaming your body.

You both get up and Tim pushes you up against the wall, limbs tangled, hands wandering and tongues wrestling. You gasp at the impact and moan into the kiss. “God, I can’t get enough of you”, Tim moans against your jawline. He moves towards your pulse point and alternates between sucking, biting and licking, creating his own little love bite on your skin.

“Tim…” You can’t contain the moans, loving the way Tim is claiming you as his. He wedges his leg between yours, putting pressure there where you need it, and making his own arousal blatantly clear.

You reach for the hem of his shirt and slowly pull it up, scratching the skin of his back along the way. Tim moves away from you long enough for you to pull his shirt over his head. You gasp at the sight of him, his hair disheveled, his pale skin waiting to be touched and the arousal clear in his eyes.

You kiss his neck and move lower, kissing his collarbone and taking one of his nipples between your teeth, nipping at the flesh. Tim groans, moving his fingers to your chin and tipping your head up, crashing his lips back on yours. Tim copies your action and pulls your shirt over your head. He doesn’t waste any time, and immediately kisses and licks the skin of your neck, moving along your collarbone and licking along the fabric of your bra. You tilt your head back and gasp at the sensation of his hot breath against your skin. You moan loudly when you felt his mouth closing around your nipple. Tim sucks through the fabric of your bra, working your nipples into hardened peaks. He moves his hand under the fabric, rolling your nipple between his thumb and forefinger, while continuing his assault on your other nipple with his mouth. You feel the muscles in your abdomen tighten, and you pant heavily.

“T-Tim… Tim…” Tim snakes his right hand behind your back and unclasps your bra, removing the fabric in one smooth motion.

“Tim”, you try again, a bit louder this time.

“Hmm?” Tim hums against your skin, making you moan.

“We have to move, I don’t want to come like this.”

Tim kisses his way up to your mouth, plunging in his tongue. He turns you around again and lightly pushes you back into the living room.

“Couch”, Tim instructs you. You lower yourself on the couch, and Tim hovers above you, kissing you deeply. You arch your back, and Tim sits back on his heels, removing your pants and thong. You sit up and remove his sweatpants, stripping him down to his underwear. Tim kisses you deeply, pushing you back down on the couch. You push him back though, and sit up. You straddle him, making work of his underwear. You align him with your entrance.

“You’re so wet for me already, babe”, Tim groans. You push gently against his shoulders and look into his emerald eyes. You sink down on him slowly. Tim opens his mouth and closes his eyes, releasing a low groan at the sensation.

“Yeah baby, just like that”, Tim pants. You start to move, slowly at first, dragging several moans and groans from him. You’re panting, feeling him buried deep inside you. He isn’t able to hit that sweet, sweet spot though. You gently push him down on the couch and you move forward. He bends his knees, enabling him to enter you deeper. You moan at the sensation, and you feel your climax growing rapidly.

“Tim, I… Ah… Yes… Oh, I’m so close”, you pant, continuing moving up and down. Tim grabs your hips and guides you down on him, quickening his thrusts.

“Come for me, beautiful”, Tim moans. He feels you clench around him. “Yes, that’s it…”

Your climax hits you hard and fast. You moan loudly. The feel of you coming around him is all it takes for him to let go as well. He breathlessly moans your name.

“You are so amazing”, Tim sighs, coming down from his high.

“Right back at you”, you smile.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim surprises you

You and Tim had settled into a rhythm. You would see each other as often as possible, mostly to have dinner and sleep overs, either at his place or yours. It felt good to have him back in your life again. He was loving, attentive, and, most importantly, made you feel safe. You weren’t sure how you’d managed to be apart from him for all those months, and if you were being honest, you hadn’t really managed all that well. Nonetheless, it scared you a little how easily the two of you fell back into old patterns, how familiar everything felt and how well you still knew each other. Over the course of the past three months, you’d returned to the same sort of comfort the two of you had around each other at the end of the three years you’d been together. Sure, it was different in that Tim had kept his word and did everything within his power to be there for you, to give you his full attention, to love you fully, but you still couldn’t quite shake the discomfort at the quick way things had developed.

It was a Friday evening, and you’d been on your feet in the bookstore for the entire day. You’d agreed to meet at Tim’s place for the usual dinner and a movie.

When you open the door to his apartment, you’re met with the soft chords of _A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall_. Tim is practicing on the guitar, and hasn’t noticed you coming in. You quietly take off your coat and shoes and stand in the doorway to the living room, watching Tim playing with complete focus. Your heart warms when you see him, and you want to come home to this every day. You listen to Tim finishing the song from your position in the doorway, and you can’t help the smile plastered across your face.

“That was flawless”, you say quietly after Tim finishes. You notice the way his muscles tighten up slightly, a sign that you startled him. You giggle quietly.

“I didn’t notice you there”, Tim answers, a light blush creeping up his cheeks.

“I didn’t want to disturb you. You really sound good, you know.”

“Thanks love, that means a lot.”

“I don’t understand why you feel insecure. You’re perfect for this role.”

“It’s just.. It’s Dylan, you know? That’s very intimidating.”

“I’m telling you, you have no reason to doubt yourself.”

Tim smiles at you and makes his way over to where you’re standing. You frame his face with your hands and softly press your lips against his, sighing at the contact. Tim responds immediately, and encircles your body with his arms. It’s a long and lazy kiss, full of love.

“Are you hungry?”, Tim asks.

“Starving.”

“What are you craving? I was thinking, maybe we could order some food from that Thai place we used to love, and just have an easy evening in? Watch a movie?”

“Sounds great!”

* * *

About an hour later, the two of you are seated on the floor across from each other at the coffee table, happily munching away at the delicious take-out.

“So tell me, what did you do today?”, you ask.

“Well, actually.. I got a call about _Going Electric_ and they want to start filming in two weeks.”

“What?! That’s great Tim, why didn’t you tell me that before?”, you try to cover up the slight disappointment you feel at the prospect of Tim leaving in two weeks, and think you’re doing a good job. You hate that you feel this way. You don’t want to be this clingy.

“I.. Don’t know. I don’t want to disappoint you, I guess.”

“Why would news like that disappoint me?”

“Come on, I appreciate the effort, but you know I can read you like an open book.”

“Alright, fine. Am I looking forward to being apart again for who knows how long? Of course not. But I am so, so happy for you that this project is finally happening. You’ve worked so hard to prepare yourself, and I know you’re going to be great. I’ll survive being away from you, it might even do us some good.”

“Oh yeah? How’s that?”

“Well, you know how absence makes the heart grow fonder, and we could discover new ways to be together, apart, if you know what I mean”, you smirk.

“Ah, yes of course.”

“But seriously babe, I’m so incredibly happy for you. I’ll miss you, but we’ll be fine. Right?”

“Of course! Thank you amour. It will be different this time. Besides, we’ll start filming upstate, so I won’t be far. We’re probably able to see each other every now and then.”

“Perfect”, you smile at Tim, and it’s a smile filled with genuine happiness. Happiness at seeing him so passionate, happiness at his determination to make this work and at the way this feels different from previous times.

“But actually, I have another surprise”, Tim says after a couple of beats.

“You have?”, you ask, a bit confused. _What is he planning?_

“Yes. How would you feel if I asked you to take a trip with me this weekend? I booked us a place in the Catskills, and it looks crazy romantic. It has these enormous rooms with a fireplace, a private pool, and it’s in the middle of nature. What do you say? You, me, away from this crazy city?”

“Tim.. Are you serious?!”

“Yes?”

“I’d love that!”

“Really?”, the smile splitting Tim’s face in two is blindingly beautiful.

“Of course! Oh, this will be amazing! I have to pack right now!”

Tim laughs at your enthusiasm and makes his way over to your side of the table, kissing you deeply. You open up immediately, and the kiss turns heated within moments. You’re both panting lightly when you break away.

“Thank you babe, I really can’t think of a better way to spend my free weekend with you”, you sigh.

“I just want to make you happy.”

“You’ve no idea how happy you make me.”

You kiss again, briefly this time, before you stand up. It’s late, and you still have to go home and pack. You and Tim make plans for the next morning, and you go home with butterflies in your stomach. This will be amazing.

* * *

As promised, Tim arrives at your place the next morning at 10. He waits at the car with two cups of coffee and a smile from ear to ear.

“Hey beautiful.” Tim kisses you on the lips and hands you your coffee. “Hop in.”

You get into the car and sigh happily after taking the first sip of your coffee. You feel relaxed and excited. Tim pulls out of the parking space and starts the journey. After a short while though, he pulls up at a red brick building in the West Village.

“What are we doing here?”

“You’ll see.” Tim has a mischievous grin on his face, and it confuses you. _What were you doing here?_

“There you are! I have been expecting you!”, a woman you don’t know exclaims when she opens the door. _What the hell?_

“Tim..”

“Thank you for making time for us”, Tim cuts you off, “We really appreciate it.”

“Of course, Mr. Chalamet. I’ll leave the two of you to it then. Please close up when you’re done and leave the keys in the agreed upon spot. I’ll be back in an hour and close up properly.”

“Thanks again.”

“Tim, seriously, what are we doing here?”, you ask after the unknown woman leaves the two of you alone, a bit more agitated this time.

“Remember how I told you about this perfect condo I found for us, about a year ago?”

“.. Yes?”

“Well, it turns out it was still for sale, and I thought.. Maybe we could have a look?”

“What?!”

“Just, why not? There are no strings attached here. For the past months I’ve been the happiest I’ve been in a very long time, and it’s all because of you. We were ready to move in together a year ago, and I really don’t want to spent another minute apart from you if I can help it. What’s the harm in having a look?”

“Tim..”, you’re speechless. This is overwhelming.

“Come on. Please? If you hate it, we’ll be out of here in no time. But who knows, maybe you’ll love it.”

“Well, alright..” you’re still a bit hesitant, but figure it can’t hurt to have a look.

Tim opens the door and the both of you make your way up the stairs to the condo. Tim opens the door and you can’t contain the small gasp escaping you. It’s gorgeous. It’s a large space with floor to ceiling windows, bathing the room in sunlight. You move further into the apartment, marveling at the details like the wooden beams and the gorgeous, spacious kitchen. The living room is enormous and has built-in shelves, which would fit your record collection perfectly. It has two bedrooms and a large closet space, and a bathroom with a bath and a shower. And to top it off, it has a spacious balcony. You’ve got to admit, it looks perfect.

“Tim.. This place is gorgeous..”

“Isn’t it? I knew you’d like it.”

“But, this is too much. It’s all going so fast”, you feel the panic rise in your body.

“Babe, slow down. We don’t have to do anything with this if we don’t want to. I just wanted you to have a look yourself, to see if you’d like the place. We can go right now and forget about the whole thing.” Tim walks up behind you and puts his arms around you, resting his chin on your shoulder, swaying you gently from side to side.

“It is really gorgeous”, you sigh.

“Isn’t it?”, Tim replies quietly.

“Can we think about it? Take some time?”

“Of course babe. There’s no rush whatsoever.”

You sigh and let the events of the day so far sink in. Tim wants to live with you. So much so that he even found a home for the two of you. A home you could see yourself live in and be happy. You smile at the thought of sharing your life with Tim, coming home to him every day.

“I love it Tim, and I love that you went through all this trouble to show this to me, to find us a house.”

“I just want to make you happy”, Tim answers, repeating his statement from the previous evening. You smile at him and turn around in his arms, kissing him deeply.

“Come on, let’s get on the road. There’s a king-sized bed waiting for us in the Catskills”, Tim says after the two of you part. You nod and turn towards the door. The same warm feeling fills your body. There’s no denying it, the love you feel for Tim is engraved in every fiber of your being.


End file.
